17.03

It has nearly been a month since the last post in which I actually bothered to use the keyboard. My prediction was right - I am feeling like there is no time to breathe! Leaving the house when the sun rises and entering after it sets was fun for the first few days, but as soon as the back pain, aching body and drowsiness hit, the 'funness' began to wane. My lab starts in about half an hour, which means that I would have to put up with expressing thoughts on a public computer, rather than getting a laptop! Oh well.

Many, many things have happened in the last few weeks. They are worth writing about in elaborate details, but for the above reasons, I shall just list them for now.

1. I saw an ultrascan being done, and listened to the heartbeat of an unborn baby!
2. An extremely cute white rabbit was found in our garden on a fine Saturday morning. It just sat there, eating grass, oblivious to its surroundings. It came back the next morning too! We took the liberty of sharing our carrots with it, but it didn't seem to like them very much. It preferred rose petals much more! I was disappointed to realise that all that knowledge from Hollywood and Disney were not very useful. Since it came to us twice in a row, I sort of assumed the role of its carer. Ma dubbed it as 'Lamun'. =]
3. The owners took Lamun back. =[
4. I should really do some biology work, since that's why I woke up at dawn to come to the library...
5. Even though I started working, I never seem to have enough money to get an emergency cup of coffee.
6. Anyway, I had a lot more say about my current thoughts, rather than updates on my very boring life, but I am truly very sleepy and tired.

A Song About Love (by a talented teen)

This is a song about love, and not a very good one
I don’t know enough to tell you about heartbreak
But I know it’s there, and you can avoid it
By listening to your head
Which is just what I’ve done, and it isn’t perfect
But look what I’ve done instead, instead of falling for you

I’ve never really been in love and that is fine by me
I’ll sit at home and refine the person I want to be
‘Cause I’m still young and not yet prepared to waste my time
On chasing girls who are yet to fully form their minds
And I know that there’s a woman waiting, but she’s not a woman yet
So I’ll wait, and make sure I don’t do something I’ll regret

This isn’t just about love, ’cause that’s just one pixel
Of the image I’m speaking of, the one of the relationship
That we share, it’s much more important
That I learn to like you too
Though I guess before that, it’s probably vital
That I try to look for you, at least look for me

I’ve never really been in love and that is fine by me
I’ll sit at home and refine the person I want to be
‘Cause I’m still young and not yet prepared to waste my time
On chasing girls who are yet to fully form their minds
And I know that there’s a woman waiting, but she’s not a woman yet
So I’ll wait, and make sure I don’t do something I’ll regret

I could tell you that I love you all you want till I’m dry
But I can’t force myself to love you so why should I even try
I’ll have to wait, and hold my chin up, and plug away at other things
Until she comes

Cute!

18th.

The next few months will be the definition of busyness. Most weekdays, I would not be free until 8 at night. I start at 9 twice a week, another day at 10. The second half of each weekend day will be filled. I signed up for scripture teaching as well, but I don't think I'd be able to do it at the time I want and in the area I want. I am still hoping to squeeze in one or two more students, since the pocket still seems quite empty. On top of that, its first year.

I can't believe I only have a little more than a week of this precious holiday. Where did the last three and a half months go? HSC seems far enough, but the holidays seem so, so short! But I have done a few of the things I planned to:
- Drove about 80 hours.
- Edited 1 set of videos.
- Cleaned up this ancient computer and made it bearable.
- Watched about 50 episodes of the bengali natok House Full, got bored. Watched An Education, not as good as I thought it would be. It ends quite abruptly. I guess I found it hard to relate to because I am not a schoolgirl (anymore! yay!) who fell in love with an older man, left school, then found out he's married, studied really hard and got into Oxford. As I was watching this movie, I kept thinking about all the things that are wrong with the society. Maybe thats why it failed to attract me? Anyway, I also watched the first 2-3 minutes of The Time Traveller's Wife. Then the sound started to stuff up, and Smru told me its a waste of time, and I believed her even though the first few minutes seemed OK, so I stopped. I watched the BBC Series of Pride and Prejudice and Wives and Daughters - and absolutely loved them! Wives and Daughters left me gripping the edge of my seat, especially in the last half an hour. Roger Hamley is such a sweet boy! And Molly Gibson is such a good girl with such a great fate that you subconciously start to want to be like her. And I lost all my interest - the bit that was left - in Gossip Girls, House Full and all things alike.
- I have a toothbrush at Snowman/Dagger/Flynn/Ash's house. And I can open and close their car door properly. And I have a bed there, which is actually Flynn's bed, but she prefers sleeping on the carpet for some reason. That makes me a part of their family.
- I am off facebook for a while. Of course, it was my mum's idea, but I accepted it. I guess I needed this - facebook is just ugh sometimes. Its ughly addictive and ughly ugly. So if you want to contact me, use the good old email, or call me. Or take me out for a coffee - get closer! I feel like I can totally be in those Nescafe ads. Or text me, but don't expect me to text back.
- Went to yet another Al Kauthar course! I have missed them so much! The last time I went to one was when I was 16. The thing about Al Kauthar is that the courses are so intense, so jam packed with solid information, as well as juiced with emotions and truthfulness of the instructors that you just want to be in that environment as long as you can. I don't know how to explain it. It really does feel like angels surround the lecture theatre as the teacher explains each detail. I guess its one of those experiences you can't 'feel' until you go through it yourself.
- I went to a wedding last friday. It was raining - raining so hard that it became difficult to see things. I went out to clean the car, and instead, I just sat on the front steps. I couldn't take my eyes off the streaming beauty. Did you know that one of the times when prayers get accepted is when it rains? Its a blessing from God. A blessing from the heavens - and I can feel it every time the I set my eyes upon it, or smell its sweet smell! And its cloudy again, today. I hope it rains.

JC is going out with B. Don't know B's last name, so that's as much information as I can reveal. She's such a sweet girl - I hope they get married and have lots of einstein like children and make the world a better place and... oh, thats right, she doesn't want to get married. There goes another of my dreams! Oh and - out of all this, one good thing came out. I learnt what 'altercation' means. And then realised that everyone else knew that word long before me. SS is becoming girly. AS has a new boyfriend, who's not white, and not too tall, and possibly not obsessed with computer games. FG is still determined that there is no guy for her out there, in a good way, of course! RH tried to convince AD why boys are rubbish, yet, AD is going out with someone I don't know. CP is going out with A who she met at bondi. It seems like the commerce of Valentine's Day has boomed this year.

Oh and Sum - you are so very cute! If you ever come across this blog, know that I love you. :)

Some more useless thoughts

Our life is full of choices. The alarm rings, you have an option of getting up and beginning the day early. Or you can turn it off and go back to sleep. Option one will probably mean that you'll walk around with sleepy eyes for a few hours. But it may also mean that you get more than two things done in a day. Option two is more comfortable and attractive, in the short run. But you end up cursing yourself as you run to your appointments a few hours late. Then there's food. You can choose the easy option and eat anything and everything out of a packet. This would save time effort in the short run. But it may show up as bumps in your face, unnecessary fat cells and extra stress. Or you can cook something healthy, which may take about half an hour of your life and which would probably be in your stomach within a third of that time, but you can avoid all those other side effects. Then there's temptations. Someone you hate is really testing you with her words and you would very much like to slap her across her face. But that would mean more words behind your back, and/or a slap and a punch. Or you can stay quite, smile through your teeth and pray to God to end this agony asap.

I seem to make the wrong choices all the time. I plunge towards the easy and quick option without giving the other one a second thought. Then, when all is messed up in tangles and knots, I try to cut the strings altogether. Then I feel tired and go to sleep. Occassionally, I try to turn things around. I make decisions to block certain options and make others more available. Things become easy for a while, then they start to become unbearable.

I guess its not just me. UJ came and talked to us the other day. She went through her whole life with people who constantly tried to close the doors on her face. When she took a step forward, there were ten volunteers to hold her back. When she hesitated, she was encouraged to turn back. But she still made it through. And she still is in the process of it. The main advice she gave was to constantly keep in contact with people who you aspire to. People who will lift you up instead of dragging you down below the ground.

I wish my insides were stronger. I wish that I could turn away completely. I hope I keep taking the tiny steps forward. Because B was right again. If you let your guard down for a second, something may happen that will haunt you for a very long time.

Love

When you love someone, you should do what that person wants you to do for them, not what you would love that person to do for you. Who told me this? I am not a hundred percent sure, but I think it was my sister. She has always been my main source of knowledge on life skills. She is an amazing person. She is an amazing person to whom God has given the ability of learning from her mistakes. She is the first person who taught me that there is little to be gained by being selfish. She has taught me to read, write and appreciate art. I love her. I really do, except she isn’t here right now.

My sister and I – we had a journey through our relationship; I guess it’s that way with a lot of pairs of sisters. When I was little, I didn’t really notice her much. She was there, like the rest of my family was. She had her best friends, her make up, her diary, her side of the bed, her quick tears and smiles, her beautiful voice and I had my poems, my playmates, my daydreams. We had separate worlds of our own. Occasionally, I remember sharing little things about my private life with her – not that I had much of a private life as a kid! Like, once, I wrote about a boy in my diary where I used to write my poems, then ripped it up and foolishly chucked the papers out of the window. Apuni saw them on her way home. And I’m pretty sure she asked me about that later. Then, in year 4, I failed a subject in VNS. I still remember the look of contempt the teacher gave me. For God’s sake! I was ten! Anyway, that night, I was crying really late at night. I was lying on my side and just crying. My sis woke up and comforted me. I can’t really remember the details much now. Oh and, there were times when she used to tease me. Before we slept, we would do talk about silly things, if she was in the mood. She used to pretend to be the younger sister. And she used to ask me awkward questions that my seven or eight year old mind just could not prepare an answer for.

Then, when we came to Sydney, we had a bit of a rocky time. She was a teenager, I was about to be one. She left her comfortable world in Dhaka and I looked forward to building one here. She slept in the bottom bunk, I slept on top. She still kept writing in her diary and I attempted to do the same. She used to hate the fact that I tried to copy everything that she did. I actually didn’t do it consciously, but I guess, when you’re in the same room with someone year after year, it happens. She wrote letters to her friends and got answers. I did the same – and never received anything. For my 11^th birthday, she gave me a packet of glitter (and/or gel pens), a purple notebook and a black Evoke deodorant. Before I went to bed, I discovered a birthday card under my pillow. The next day, I went and bragged to Likhi about it all. When I was 12, I got the chicken pox. I had a horrible nightmare one night. I dreamt that I had a lot of candies from the kitchen, messed up the whole house with the wrappers and felt extremely sick about it all. Yes, it seemed way too horrible to be true, but it also seemed very real. I woke up sweating and crying. Apuni came over to my bed and soothed me; she even took me to the living room, just to show that there are no candy wrappers. Believe it or not, that little incident has been imprinted in my memory better than many other more important details. I told her about both of my primary school crushes. I remember, she used to stay up just to tell me, its okay.

Then, high school started for me. I stepped on the 13^th year of my life. Both of us started to be cranky way too often. I started to hate her. I remember filling up lines and lines of swear words with her name. Mainly because it gave me a thrill. I was thirteen and I was stupid. Then I had problems with friends. She took me to the counsellor. She talked to me. Everything got better. Then we kept going through highs and lows of love and hate. She honestly has a way of knowing what I’m thinking when I’m thinking and what I’m doing when I’m doing it. I can’t think about one crush that I had in high school that she didn’t know about. I can’t think about one secret I had without her being a witness to it. I guess it was good. She kept me out of trouble all my life. And when I did get into trouble, she pulled me out of it. Now that I think about it, I think my sister is one of those natural mothers. The kind of women who always know how to guide, naturally. And I’m so very thankful that she’s my sister! By the way, she looks very ugly when she’s angry. But she is one of the most beautiful people when you can see love in her face. And I got to see both of them quite often for the last few years.

Then, she got married. Just like that. One moment, she was mine, the next moment she wasn’t. From my eighteen years of life, I know that I hate changes. I try to handle them, but the first blow remains for quite a while. Yeah, we always talked about marriages and daydreamt about the perfect guy. But it never occurred to me that she would actually tie the knot so soon! Anyway, I had the last one year to reconcile with it. At first, I resisted the change. I thought of my new brother as an enemy. I listened to her talk about him, and I thought, I’m in a much better position. I can dream all I like, without having to have the boundaries of any certain person. But it didn’t take long to realise that that was just my way of hating his luck. And I realised that I would be a very bad mother! I hate letting go. So with that realisation, I started to let go. And I hope, now, she won’t hate the fact that she taught me heaps of things. And I hope I am becoming my own person, instead of living under her shadow. I hope she believes that none of my mistakes are a reflection of her.

I really miss her. I miss hugging her. I miss hearing her voice in real life. I miss seeing her. I miss hating her. I miss seeing love written all over her face.

Dang. This post was supposed to be about my mother. And I’m wasting all my tears on someone else. So yes, lately, I’m beginning to see her more as a friend than a teacher. I used to love snuggling up in her arms when I was little. And I used to be so very afraid of her. My mother can get a very bad temper at times. But she’s also very affectionate. She loves the colour red, and rightly so – her passion can range both ways. I’ve always looked up to her. She’s very organised, an excellent time manager (unlike the rest of us in the family...), adventurous, and very, very pretty. When I was little, I used to think she’s the most beautiful person on earth. I even loved the smell of her sweat!

She completely compliments my father. They were made for each other. She has everything he lacks and he has everything she lacks. She had all her children by 26, and she travelled the world as much as she could. We still turned out to be emotionally and physically very healthy – a testimony to her ability to balance her adventurous nature with practicality. I’m like my dad. We both often live with our heads in the cloud. And my brother and sister have it a little bit too. My mum is the one who keeps everyone on track and moving. She is the one who sees that last bit of important detail that we all miss.

Since she is my mother, and since I am the youngest, she sees me like her baby. We all had strong restrictions when we were little. We had to study when it became dark. We had to stop watching TV after a certain given time. Then, when I got my phone and internet access, they got taken away from time to time as punishments for different wrong actions. And I wasn’t allowed to stay at home by myself for a long, long time. I tried to wriggle out of this for ages. When I had no choice, I just wrote. I wrote pages after pages. And I still daydream – that old habit never went away.

But lately, quite suddenly it seems to me, she’s treating me like an adult. And surprisingly, its making me want to make her happy, instead of thinking of things she tells me to do as simply ‘chores’. It finally feels like she trusts me. But it’s scaring me too. It scares me to think I might break that trust one day. Or maybe I’d do something that I won’t realise that would break her heart. I guess when other people start to trust you, its really easy to lose your own trust on yourself.

But then, ‘whoever fears God, He will find a way out for him and He will provide for him in a way he had never reckoned on. He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice for him. God is sure to bring about whatever He decrees.’

:)

Beauty, beauty. Its who You are.

The sky in the last few nights was beyond beautiful. The brightest full moon of the year came a few days ago and brought Mars along. Ma told me about it that morning, but I was quite stressed and had such a full day that I totally forgot about it until about 11 pm. I literally ran to the backyard to see if I still had a chance. And Lo and behold (in Steven's style) - there it was! A tiny dot about four centimetres away from the moon. It was slightly orange. I thought of Smru straight away. Her obsession with Mars in forever implanted on my mind. But since she isn't on 3, and since Sum is, and since I knew Sum is still awake, I called her. I just had to share that with someone. So I stood there, with my parents, in the backyard, watching the grey clouds cover and uncover the white circle with a little orange dot next to it. The sky was mostly clear that night though - so I also had a chance to stare at the other dazzling stars. They really do look like tiny diamonds, some of them.

Even though it was very bright, and though it was supposed to be the biggest, the moon looked bigger the next night. I was driving my dad and brother to the mosque. I hate taking the same route over and over again, but I really do have to pull up my hours. From 120, I've done about 60. I really can't fudge the whole of the rest of the hours, so I try to go everywhere I can... be bothered to. Anyway, that night, I wasn't as grumpy as I usually am for being dragged to drive on the same road again, because the moment I left the house, my eyes fell upon the moon. It was half hidden behind some branches. And it took my breath away. It literally lit up the sky and made all the dark clouds seem closer to white than grey. I had to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road if I didn't want to be traumatised for the rest of my life for killing two of my family members.

Then, last night, it was raining. Have I ever mentioned that I love driving on rainy nights? Yes, we did take the same route again, but I hardly felt it. At first it was raining softly, and the orange street lights illuminated each drop. They looked like tiny insects as they hovered infront of any light they could find. All the cars were being driven relaxedly. As the rain became heavier, the water on the roads occasionally turned orange, or blue, or red, depending on the closes neon lights. My windscreen wiper got faster. The raindrops stopped imitating insects and merely slid down any surface they could find. I think I also saw a flash of rainbow somewhere - most probably in front of another car's headlights. I loved the sound of the heavy drops on the roof and the windows. It added a sense of rythm to all those colours.

It was raining this morning too. I love the scent it draws out from the soil.

I can watch the sky all day
Without a word to say.
I can taste their heavy tears,
Sitting here.
I would, if I could.

PS: Since my phone refuses to transfer the photo of the moon I took the other night, I am posting a different photo of the sky. The sky at another time I love. Before sunset.

to thicken the border

And then I proved again, yet again, that I cannot be responsible about my actions.

Not yet! But who knows what tomorrow holds?

I really need to keep organising things for the upcoming surprise. Since its a surprise, and since the person the surprise is for may come across this, I shall not reveal much. But I only have a few more weeks. Need more ideas and co-operation. Talking about ideas - I really should apologise to Flynn for the immaturity I displayed. It was nothing and really a fleeting light bulb that switched on inside our heads. I should probably also apologise to Snowman for freaking her out. And note to self: never be tempted by Sum and Rad when they want to reveal secrets!

I woke up with this song in my head:

The Prophet's hands,
silken smooth and soft to touch
sometimes we need those hands so much,
to feel them clasp our own and let us know we're not alone.
The Prophet's hands, If they could take over the reigns,
if they could take away the strains,
guide us to the end with the patience of a friend.

Yeah, I did wish I had the prophet's hands to guide me gently through life at that moment.

A Ray of Sun at Six AM

 Creeping through a crack, he softly kisses her eyes,
Tumbles upon her hair, and then silently cries
Because she's still half asleep, only half awake,
Dreaming of another, lying in her heartache.
He's unable to speak, or even make a sound,
He finds himself breathless and utterly dumbfound.
His fingers walk on her face, anticipating
The moment she would wake, and participate in
This game of silent love, a kind of hide and seek,
To make their hearts beat faster, knees a little weak.
As time inches forward, he grows upon her face,
Patiently he waits, listening to her heart's race.

Impatiently waiting.

One of my worst traits is impatience. I just cannot wait for answers when I start looking for them. I can't wait for food when I'm hungry. I get all cranky when I'm told to do something when I'm sleepy. And when I want someone to see something, I want them to see it here and now. This possibly repels them from wanting to see my point of view, because, every force has an equal and opposite force. The softer you are, the softer the resistance is. The harder and more impatient you are, the lesser you should expect a positive attitude. I understand this, but I forget to implement it when it comes to people I care about. I guess this results from following my heart instead of my head - its so much easier to advance logically and rationally when you know that it doesn't matter if the person you are talking to understands you or not.

I know that at the end of the day, what someone else thinks is not in my hands. But I still keep insisting on having a hand in it, when that person is someone close. Maybe, its because I'm scared they'll influence my thoughts in the wrong way? Maybe I'm scared that my knack of being swayed easily will slowly take me away from where I really want to go. I guess I'm just not strong enough to hold up by myself when someone close is falling apart, especially when there are so many other complicated factors involved. 

Whoever fears God, He will find a way out for him and He will provide for him in a way he had never reckoned on. He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice for him. God is sure to bring about whatever He decrees. (65:2-3)

Nothing to do but frown

I love glass bangles. I love the way they tinkle, the way they fall upon your wrist without making you feel enchained, the way they shine when sunlight (or any other light...) falls on them. I would wear them all the time, if I could, except, I seem to break at least one and get blood all over my wrists every time I wear any. Like, the book sale day, God knows why I decided to wear anything glass and carry two heavy bags. Naturally, by the time I got to school, my hands were all red and sticky. And then there was that time that I forgot I was wearing them, and started knocking my arms against some sort of a fence. And then the other time - when I stepped on one. Basically, glass bangles and my luck aren't exactly best friends. But I still continue to wear them. I think the red bangles set reduced from twelve to six. The ones that I'm wearing now have a crack in the middle, where the end meets the beginning. And I'm terribly scared that I'll break a few along that line.

I am very hungry right now. But we have some guests over for dinner, so I can't eat until they come. And I'm also tired and sleepy. And...

Okay, I'll stop complaining.

Wiser?

One of my friends has wanted to become a teacher ever since I knew her. She did a few things to prepare for that and she always talked about the advantages of being a teacher. She’s a hard working fairly intelligent girl, so her HSC result was great! All was well until yesterday, when I found out that she is starting a Pharmacy degree this year. I was very, very confused. How can someone who’s so set on something change her mind so suddenly? But she’s not the only one. Many people are doing what they can instead of doing what they want. I guess its ok when you don’t know what you really want. But once you’re set on something for years and years, how can your decision change in just a few days?

My dad’s dentist called home today. She’s a very nice lady and we talked quite easily. Turns out I know her daughter, who had always wanted to be a dentist, and currently is in another country studying dentistry. Her parents tried to convince her to try something different, but she never gave up. I never really saw the girl as someone who’d chase after her dreams because they are solely her own. So as soon as I learnt this little fact about her, my respect for her grew ten folds. I want to be someone like that. I have a few goals in life that I want to achieve. They are not very strong, but I think they are getting stronger. I think I’m learning to ignore other people’s resisting opinions and go with my own. It’s taking time. I mean, I’m the youngest in the family and do make stupid decisions from time to time and have proven myself to be a total loser in the past, so those resistances are completely understandable. But I’m hoping that I can work my way out of it.

I figured people don’t trust immature people to be responsible human beings. Your level of maturity is your level of sensitivity to other people’s feelings. So, the more sensitive you are to others, the more mature you are, the more trusted you become. With that formula in mind, I’m trying to understand the people that are close to me. I am trying to tend to their needs and do little things for them that would make them happy. And I feel much closer to them and much less selfish. And it feels really good because it lets me know that I have control over my life. I guess this is the right time to find that out anyway. Teenage years are supposed to be erratic, immature and unbearable. And I guess a few of my teenage years did pass like that! Not sure if that’s a good thing or not, because that simultaneously makes me ‘normal’ and ‘ordinary’.

But anyway, I’m glad I realised that recently. Of course, I can’t always remember my theories. Sometimes I just feel like throwing everything up in the air, curling up with chocolate and depressing songs and crying. But I guess the only way to reduce that slowly is to keep the end goal in sight. Remember what I want from this life. And just work towards that.

Its hard to say I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep,

Because my dreams are bursting at the seams!

Subtle variations of blue...

Sometimes it feels like time is passing me by way too fast. Everyday, the mornings seem to get closer and closer. The nights are always the same. Some minor details change here and there, but I'm mostly riding a very flat wave. I wish I could take a radical decision. A radically awesome decision that would change the course of my life for the better in an instant. I wish I could write something that would squeeze everything out from the inside of me and put them in a plate. I wish I had the patience to sit down and read a beautiful book. Why am I so restless nowadays? My hands start shaking and I feel extremely weak if I'm doing something for a long time.This has never happened to me before. The first time it happened was this morning when I was driving. At first I thought its because I was hungry, but then I realised my stomach was still full from breakfast.

Find a road to a humble abode where both of our roads meet! I wish. I really do wish someone would blend up a rainbow and shoot it through my veins because right now it feels like my heart has no colour at all.

Thoughts of yesterday

This computer is so horrible! Used for eight years by five people, three of whom have become adults during the time, it is FILLED. Filled - top to bottom. Photos, music and other junk are driving me crazy as I attempt to clean the mess. I am a) Sending stuff to the person it belongs to OR b) Waiting to save stuff in the removable hard disk OR c) Deleting them. I am also listening to Owl City. I am surprised that I haven't heard of him before last Friday. He's up there with Kimya Dawson, Dawud Wharnsby Ali and Anjan Datta now. I love the way he strings his words together and the way his soft voice pronounces them! Fireflies shook up a sudden urge in my mind, an urge to write something incredibly beautiful. But the words aren't flowing from me. The last time I wrote a beautiful piece was the day before maths extension two exam. And that was a beautiful, but depressing song. I really want to write something that would fill someone up with lasting, warm and fuzzy feelings.


Things I want to do in a few (5-10?) years:

- Be a photographer for a magazine, possibly something that would help the society instead of demeaning it.

- Write songs for special people in my life.

- Publish poems in some place where people would feel inspired after reading them.

- Try to make the world a better place every single day.



You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies light up the world as I fell asleep,

Cause they fill the open air, and leave teardrops everywhere,

You'd think me rude,

But I would just stand and stare!


The disney night started off quite slowly, but it didn't take long to pick up its pace. I started to feel sleepy as soon as I got dressed up. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was Sleeping Beauty? My clothes and face resembled nothing of Sleeping Beauty. The colours were tangentially similar, if you sort of stretch your imagination a bit further than usual. And we got out of the constumes a couple of hours after we put them on anyway. But Stargazer Rad won the Best Dressed, as deserved! Nemo won Best in Character for Cruella de Vil, as she made herself imitate the lady perfectly! Best Hair was won by Salsa, who didn't even want to dress up at first! Then we ate and ate and ate until my stomach increased a few inches and couldn't hold any more. Then we watched Princess and the Frog, Mulan, Ice Age 3, Up and House Moving Castle. We skipped through Princess and the Frog because it was pirated and a very bad quality one too. I fell asleep as soon as House Moving Castle started - around 2.30 am. I was let into a little secret during the way. Salsa has way too much time on her hands and way too little things to do.

10.01.10

Every time start to write, something always has to happen. Either my mum calls me, or there's a kid trying to climb on my lap to touch the mouse, or I'm hungry. Its been ten days since I wrote my last post yet it seems like weeks! And since I have a headache now, and since my urge to write decreased dramatically as soon as I started writing --- Quick updates!!

1. I watched Titanic for the first time in my life!
2. I've also watched Chocolat and had a craving for both chocolate and Johnny Depp.
3. I've watched about half an hour of Slumdog Millionaire and Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Snowman's movies hate me. They loath me. So they stop working when things start to get interesting.
4. I watched my first R18+ movie: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I wish I hadn't.
5. I started my fitness regime again!
6. I am beginning to get a bit more organised - thanks to you-know-who-you-are. And its exciting!
7. I helped ma cook Korola today. I think its called bitter melon in English, but that just sounds bad. Its actually very nice. The first rhyme I wrote was about this vegetable. But its too embarrassing to mention here... or anywhere else. 
8. I actually am looking forward to starting university.
9. The look in Leonardo DiCaprio's eyes in Titanic is irreplaceable.
10. Eyes, in general, are beautiful, and interesting. Vision Science - here I come! :)
11. I have never before associated 'responsible' with 'me', until last night.
12. Its so hot here. Right here, in our area, its 32.7 degrees right now, and its rising.
13. I hope I get a call soon from AC. I really need some $$.

ps: I love today's date. :D

Goodbye naughties, welcome to niceness!

As I write this, fireworks are being released all around. And its only 9.12 pm. I'm yet to write down my new year's resolution, but I do have some in my head. I'm a little weary of fulfilling my resolution of 'create to-do lists and actually cross things off!' because I wrote down 9 things to do today at the beginning of today and only got 1 done. Oh well. New year = newness = start over = hope!

What have I done this year? Well, I have successfully completed 13 years of education! I have turned 18 and managed not to drink, smoke (few puffs from cousins at 14 don't count. I didn't know smoking was haram back then.), graffiti or vote. I actually maintained a calendar - one of the few things I did regularly! I wrote a lot of diary entries, blog posts, typed thoughts in MS Word and Notepad - possibly more than any other year. I've learnt that I can pull people closer and push them away too. I've written half of a really good song that I still intend to send to Dawud Wharnsby. I've made, broken and remade some huge decisions. I've learnt to cook things that make people smile, in a good way. And I have nearly made it through a year full of confusion!

Things I wish to achieve by the end of 2010:
1. Fitness
2. Taking responsibility for my own actions
3. Compartmentalising my thoughts

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful year. I hope it is filled with happiness and light. I hope you hurt at least one less person. I hope you smile at least once more. I hope you will make an effort to make the world a little bit cleaner, happier and better. And I pray to God I can do these too.

28th October - extra thoughts - 2

My view of life is quite simplistic. It only lasts a lifetime, which, when thought about, can seem like only a few seconds. So I figured, there is no need for complex logic to prove the complexity of life, and no use of philosophising moments that will leave us in a moment. Of course, I often can’t stick to my view of life, for several reasons eg: my teenage age, HSC (by the time I post this it will be overrrr!), my erratic personality (possibly, a result of being a teenager and undergoing HSC) and my obsession with dreaming.

28th October - extra thoughts

Wow.

Whao.

I can’t believe what I just read. It just disoriented my thoughts gathered for the past eight months, thoughts that were biased because I was looking through the rose tinted glass of those certain surreal months. There were thousand weak moments in which I reconsidered and regretted making certain decisions, even though I knew, for the time being, they are the right decisions. Of course, they only lasted a moment, yet, there were a thousand of them.

I guess there are more selfish people than me in this world. I am grateful to not be stuck around such selfish people, who, probably would have changed a little, but who would also change me. Time goes by so fast, I would not realise how much I missed out on until those wrinkles loosen my skin. By that time, I would have probably been depressed and regretful for passing a whole life time without seeking or finding the true meaning of living. I would realise that illusions lived on for a whole lifetime is in fact no more than a second long.

Therefore, I am glad it’s over.

I started reading ‘In the shade of the Qur’an’ by Sayyid Qutb, which I was inspired to try after reading some of ‘Way to the Qur’an’ by Khurram Murad, which is a collection of incredibly beautiful thoughts. InshaAllah, I will finish the latter and actually get somewhere with the former after HSC. In the introduction, Qutb lists some verses of the Qur’an, which I thought would be a good reminder to me from time to time. So, I printed them on coloured paper and stuck them right on top of my monitor. Sadly, I haven’t looked at them much while I procrastinated throughout stuvac and HSC. Anyway, here they are:

It may well be that you hate a thing which is good for you, and love a thing although it is bad for you. God knows, whereas you do not know. (2:216)

Satan promises you poverty and bids you to commit indecency while God promises you His forgiveness and bounty. God is Munificent, All-Knowing. (2:268)

Whoever fears God, He will find a way out for him and He will provide for him ain a way he had never reckoned on. He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice for him. God is sure to bring about whatever He decrees. (65:2-3)

God does not change a people’s condition unless they first change what is in their hearts. (13:11)

And so, I am reminded and made thankful, yet again, for those thousand moments in which I decided to disregard my love for a thing which is bad for me.

I don’t know who reads my blog any more so I stopped writing for others. In the beginning, it was Nira & Co, the group of alive, innocent, dreaming, muslim, bengali, single, young girls. My fourteen year old mind had not tainted much, thus, my thoughts were recounts of everything-that-happened-the-whole-day. Occasionally, I posted poems that were written out of an urge to rhyme instead of an urge to express my feelings, since I could not often feel what I wrote. Slowly, Nira & Co disintegrated into married, practical parents with not enough time or energy to dream and/or express those dreams. Thus, my readers shifted to Emu, and occasionally, my sister. Then my family started to read me, followed by people who I wanted to convince that life isn’t actually that bad, followed by school friends. Without realising it, I constantly changed my patterns for the people who read my blog. From now on, I will write for myself. If you are convinced that my views are reasonable, go ahead and think about them. If you think I am ridiculous, feel free to do so.

Pages of my mind - 2

21.10.09

Since I woke up at 5.15 pm, Guy Sebestian’s ‘Like That’ has been hammering inside my head. The worst part is, I only know one line – I’m the only one that can love you like that. So this line has been driving me crazy, until a few moments ago. Now Guy is replaced by Cat – Hard Headed Woman. He says ‘I’m looking for a hard headed woman’, then echoes ‘headed woman, headed woman’. Also, I circled the rash in my hand and went to show my sister. She drew an arrow and wrote, ‘Rational’.

28.10.09

I don’t think I went very well in mathmatics extension 1.

But I think I went worse in extension 2. I’m not sure how I should feel right now. Regret? Depressed? Relieved? I’m not exactly sure how I feel either. I think all of those have amalgamated into a blob of gooey darkness.

English was OK.

Chemistry is in 4 days and economics in 6. I loathe economics. But I have to get myself to sit down and convince myself that after these 6 days, if I want to, I will not have to hear another economic term ever again.

Ironically, ‘Lucky’ is playing itself over and over in my head.

The computer just asked me: Are you sure you want to send ‘tmrw’ in the recycling bin?


06.11.09

Well, HSC is finally over! Its 12.20 am, 6th November, 2009 – The day which my calendar is marked as ‘ITS OVER!’ I thought this day would not exist in my memory because it would be spent sleeping. Well, its 20 minutes after midnight and I do not feel a speck of sleep sitting on my eyes. I’m enjoying this freedom – I am finally free of quite a few social constraints. No, I am not partying until 2 am, drunk and disorderly, then, sleep on God-knows-what/who. But I still am enjoying this concept called life, which I got back exactly 12 hours ago. I was listening to Anjan, surrounded by text books and papers that desperately needs a new home. Now, I’m listening to ‘bubbly’. This song brings back memories, just like every other song in my playlist. The funny thing with songs are that they can make you homesick for a certain emotion, regardless of the situation that emotion has been felt in. For example, in year 7, I remember doing my assignments while listening to Orthohin. Now every time I listen to them, I feel stressed and excited at the same time, because that’s exactly what I felt those times. I think my brain stopped functioning now, which is a good sign, because it means I’m sleepy.

I know I am childish and immature. Is that a reason to be worried? Well, I’m only 18, I am not doing anything wrong and I happen to love and enjoy my life a little differently. I like enjoying little things, like stopping to look at an old red car in the rain, or curling up in my blanket and daydreaming. I also like writing (mostly about myself), reading (mostly about other people’s personal thoughts), taking photos and sharing all of these with unknown people. Is there anything wrong with that?

Oh well. Who cares. Its my life. When I waste it, its my right to decide the way I want to waste it.

Pages of my mind - 1

23.05.09

Oh yes, it’s another day. Another lazy Saturday – the day I sit with my books in front of me and daydream about sleep. The day I plan to get a lot of things done, get nothing done and feel depressed about getting nothing done. My ranting seems to fall short nowadays. I have no idea why. It’s not as if I am studying a lot or doing a lot in general. I just can’t be bothered to think. I prefer sleep over everything else.

25.05.09

Something is definitely wrong with me. I thought I was very set on medicine and I thought that eventually I would start studying for it. I am already at the end of May and yet I am not doing ANYTHING. I am sitting here and procrastinating with minesweeper. Can’t I at least come up with something better? I have an economics essay due tomorrow, along with some notes, AND I have a debate tomorrow. My maths extension 1 exam is next week, extension 2 the week after and economics and English the week after. I am not doing anything. I was supposed to try hard and up my ranks, but what am I doing? NOTHING! At this rate, I might as well drop out of school and start working in Woolworths. I am a despicable child.

08.06.09

Its 3.35 AM in the morning; I have papers all around me, in the midst of which a dirty coffee cup, mandarin peels and a half eaten pear lies; I have an excruciating stomach ache because of an upset stomach from all the junk food from yesterday; I have so many things to do that I don’t think my last minute ‘evenly paced work with breaks’ would be enough.

30.07.09

There is seven days till the trials and I have not done much. I have to get down and dirty unless I want to be depressed for a long, long time. Lamia, do not waste time, do do do things. Who cares about what anyone else thinks or feels? Who cares what you think anyone else thinks or feels? Who you are and who you want yourself to be is a much, much more important thing to worry about.

03.08.09

Bhayiun eto, eto bhalo keno?

09.08.09

Alhamdullillah, English Paper 1 went alright. I know it was all because of Allah, and if I miraculously get a good mark, it’ll all be because of Allah. Comprehension can go both ways because I don’t know if I made my points clear enough. I don’t even know if I had clear points. My story – I think it’s a good story, all due to everyone else’s idea – anther miracle. But I did not really relate it to the stimulus, so it can go both ways too. I don’t think I had good words in my essay but I think I addressed the question well. So with Allah’s miracle, I can get a good mark.

But I still have English paper 2, economics, maths extension 2, chemistry and maths extension 1 left. I still haven’t finished analysing ‘Mother Who Gave Me Life’. I need to do that, and then I need to memorise all the analysis tomorrow. After writing it today, I need to learn all my eco notes. Tomorrow I need to fix up chemistry and both days I need to do a little more maths extension 2. I must must must get around to doing it. So many things to do, so little time. Allah, please please please help me!!

10.08.09

Realistically, I can’t do that well in my economics exam, I know that. Maybe improve my rank 2/3 spots, get it back to half yearlies rank? I need to go through the theory today and tomorrow, know a few facts here and there. If I can answer all the multiple choice and short answer questions, and maybe get a 12/13 in the essays, it should be good enough inshaAllah. I really need Allah’s miracle. Chemistry – I don’t have any time to study for it until the day before the test. So I need to make sure that I know all the theory then too. Allah, please let me at least stay average in Chemistry! InshaAllah English would be good. I need to memorise, by heart, the analysis so that I can write it perfectly tomorrow. Maths should be ok too, with Allah’s help. I need to fix myself up in Ramadan. Get back. Get back to Allah.

Preference today: complete analysis, memorise by heart, look over other essays. See how you can write intro and conclusion. After that, eco as much as you can.

I can feel my heart going cold.

18.08.09

I just finished reading ‘The Incurable Matchmaker’. It’s a really cute novel, romance wise it nears Gone With the Wind. Although there was not much story to it, it was one of the most cosy romantic sweet warm book I’ve ever read. Along with Gone With the Wind and Twilight.

Maths Ext 1 tomorrow. Allah please help me 


25.09.09

There are two people that have stepped in and on my life in the past, whose successes make me writhe in anger and failures bring a smile. I met both last year and I do not intend to keep contact with them in the years to follow. The worst part is, I know that they are wrong in so many aspects of their lives but I can’t prove it or show it simply because they are better than me in schoolwork. And that, apparently, measures all ‘successes’. I tried so hard to transcend beyond the negative feelings but failed miserably. I hate you. I hate you I hate you I hate you.

HSC is 25 days away and I know that I cannot possibly perform better than either of them. A greater ‘success’ in this world is the only way to hurt them, and I know I don’t have the ability to do that any more. Right now, I just want to finish school, get out of their zone of proximity, get away from their vain ideas about life and live my own. Why does it matter if I can’t get 97+? It’s a very, very insignificant part of life if life is considered as a whole.

These two people – its amazing how my perception of them changed so quickly. I used to consider them close in the beginning, then their insolence, or maybe the realisation that I’ve been ignorant, started to seep bitterness into our friendship. They themselves probably do not have a clue. I tend to do this to people. I open up to the wrong people, then get hurt and completely shut myself out. Then I bottle up all of my emotions in my heart until it bursts one day. Then apologise for the sudden outburst, and then continue to live as if nothing has ever happened between us. I don’t know how to get rid of this vice.

Am I paranoid? Maybe.

If you become doctors, please don’t cut your patients the way you cut me. Please get rid of your shell of pretentious love, lack of understanding and the barrel of ignorance from inside you.

Did I mention that I still hate you?

01.10.09

Ma,

I love you.

13.10.09

I can’t look at water through a normal person’s eyes any more. I tipped my bottle of water for fun (don’t judge, I’m doing my HSC), and I thought. ‘Oh look! The molecules are rolling over each other!’

I feel sorry for myself too. But it will be over in 20 days. I love the number twenty now. And tomorrow I will love nineteen.

Amongst the angst that the Horrible Savage Creation is causing me, I am loving my life. The morning coffee of concentrated coffee particles releases that chemical that causes the fight-or-flight response and my heart starts going ballistic. Then I remember that there are only a few days left and I smile to myself. There is a particular satisfaction involved when you are smiling and your heart is thumping a little too loud. It feels like love.

Except, I am not allowed to love anything except the 20 days for the next 20 days.

But there’s still a lot of love created everyday with the coffee. Feel free to take some.

Unfinished train of thought - 1

Title: If vision is the only validation, then most of my life isn't real.
Date Modified: Thursday 1 October 2009, 9.22 PM

The fuzzy feeling in my brain that was created after reading Twilight in Year 9 has not been altered since. Neither has changed the fascination after reading Angels and Demons. I am afraid to read these favourite books a second time, because I am quite sure that I would not have the exact same feelings ever again. I can only wistfully stare at them. I have experienced the decline of strong emotions over and over again with many of my other favourite books. Looking For Alibrandi or Nightshade does not make my heart beat any faster nor does it seem desirable to be in the main characters’ positions. Shatkahon has lost its magic too, merely because I read certain parts so many times that the change it brought within me the first time I read it seem quite distant.
But the book that I would least like to read again is 2nd on my list of favourites: Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, even though that’s my main self selected text for Belonging! Although I am disappointed that the amazement, awe and depression that surfaced in my mind after reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close can never be recreated, that is not the main reason why I am afraid to pick it up again. I think it’s because I don’t want to put myself through the intense depression a second time. It came over me as soon as I started to read it, anytime, anywhere. It’s so full of truisms that I had to agree with everything that Foer had to say, making the situation worse. At that time, I related Oskar with a friend of mine who has been through clinical depression, making his problems seem even more real. I have been recommending this book to anyone and everyone I can get my hands on, but I have not thought about the effects that it had on me. Its overtly cynical look at life is extremely unhealthy to any person’s mind if they are not strong. Lately I have started to realise that its not really important to state the truths in life. We all know them. What’s more important is to try to fix the ugly truths. More important is that secret stash of energy that keeps a person rise every morning, looking forward to life. Appreciating what we have is more important and so much more satisfying than wallowing over what we lack.
I think this feeling of despair comes with excessive materialism. From personal experience, I have seen that whenever I plunge into the world, trying to grab what I can to fill up my world in my little box, I suffocate in a sinking feeling. It’s sort of like the feeling you get an hour after eating a bar of chocolate. The satisfaction is perfect, but it only lasts a few moments.
It can also come with the wrong kind of ‘immaterialism’. Most people confuse ‘happiness found in a higher state of living’ with being a loser.

What not to do during your HSC year

(I found this amongst all the other junk in My Documents. Date Modified: Sunday 4th October 2009, 7:07 PM)

1. Play solitaire.
2. Invent useless theories.
3. Leave homework undone, no matter how insignificant or unimportant it is.
4. To not have a sense of direction.
5. To not have a plan.
6. To have a plan, but not follow it.
7. Keep saying to yourself, ‘Don’t worry, there’s still the trials’ or ‘Don’t worry, there’s still HSC’ or ‘Don’t worry, there’s still 6 weeks till results come out.’

dates that only know how to go up

Reasons why anyone would want to watch bollywood movies:

- They are incredibly ridiculous, hence, they are incredibly funny.
- They build up an ideal image of couples, houses in developed countries, couples living in houses in developed countries and all things related to love.
- They make you think that indians always wear colourful and beautiful clothes.
- They give the impression that all lovers know how to sing and dance. So, if you don't know how to sing, or dance, or any of them, just fall in love!
- The simultaneous ridiculousness and sweetness makes you want to cry.

Well, that is the conclusion I have come to after watching Chalte Chalte. Its a love story (of course!). Raj and Priya meet accidentally and Raj falls in love. Priya refuses. Raj insists. Priya slowly falls in love. She fights off a marriage and marries Raj. They start having problems. Tears. Tears. Tears. Romance. Tears. Tears. Priya is about to leave. Raj stops her at the airport. Tears. Tears. Love. And in between all of those, there are some well choreographed songs that would be totally awesome if they happened spontaneously in real life!

All jokes aside, I think this movie carries a very serious message. Two people can't start living together because they think they've fallen in love at first sight. Do people do that in this day and age, I hear you ask? I don't think its a hard thing to do, just like every other stupid and wrong decisions we take in life. I think the main thing for two people to live together is to have the same thing as their top priority. For example, if a musician's (lets say, G) top priority is to see and portray the beauty she sees in the world around him, her counterpart (B?) can't be someone who's top priority is to make money. B might make some very stupid decisions that will leave G hurt and depressed, e.g.: destroy the rainforest in their backyard to build corporate buildings. You might say, that its not as black and white. What if B respects G's decisions and builds a nature reserve instead? Well, if the nature reserve brings in less money than those corporate buildings, then, that proves that B's top priority is to keep G happy, not to make money. And if it doesn't, well, sir, I think I just proved my point!

Anyway, Raj and Priya get back together at the end of the movie. That's why its a Bollywood film, not a snippet from real life.

The next movie I want to watch is Pretty Woman. 2 reasons: I've wanted to watch it & its on YouTube. I'm at a major disadvantage when it comes to living up to the motto: A movie a day, keeps boredom away. You see, I'm the youngest and the most irresponsible child in our family. I am the child who receives the most amount of love, food and care and protection. Yet, I'm also the child who's stuck with an eight year old PC, infected with viruses, and left with no way of downloading and installing applications. My account is not an admin and my dearest brother for the admin password, because it has been THAT long since he had used this computer. As a result, I can't use the normal websites or even download limewire to watch movies.

Anyway, quick updates:

- A is going overseas in a week!
- SB is coming here in 3 months!
- Uni starts in 3 months.
- My ATAR was neither awesome nor awful. Thank God it wasn't awful!
- Driving when you are the only person in the car feels incredibly exhilarating.
- Working with a balance between reason and emotions is beautiful.
- I think taff is extremely funny. Don't know if she actually has a low self esteem, or if its just a part of the sarcasm, but here you go taff, if you ever see this, smile!
- The heat is making my brain boil.
- Melbourne and the LC was fun.
- Debating/discussing/arguing/whatever -you-want-to-call-it with people is fun, especially when you know what you are talking about.
- I know my picture doesn't really match my post, but I guess both are random enough to be matched!

Windows open freeze dreams in the head

I thought this one would be my 100th post, but according to my dashboard, I've already written it. So, Sadly, this is my 101st post. I guess 101 is good enough. At least its a palindrome!

I'm not feeling very well today. Emotionally and physically, I am feeling burdened down. Of course, I brought this upon myself. The Melbourne trip and the LC caused a lot of sleeplessness, and I can't sleep during the night now. I think I've also caught some sort of virus. I had weird dreams last night, and I kept waking up.

And my spirit was heightened by the same things that caused all the physical tiredness. But I didn't try hard enough to keep it up.

Anyway, its nearly midday and I'm tired. I should go clean up. I was looking to download Dawud Wharnsby songs. I came across one that matches my current state word by word.

I'm trying to find some place to breathe,
But I'll just skip that for now.
You're phoning, talking, emailing, knocking me down.
How long should I stay around?

And it's leaving me tired this morning.
Windows open freeze me out of bed.
And it's leaving me crazed, emotions flail with no warning,
And I'm watching someone else move into my head.

I'm trying to find the right time to leave,
But I'll, just skip lunch for now.
Lonely and closed and I think we all know why.
Should I give up before you start to try?

And it's leaving me tired this morning.
Windows open freeze dreams in the head.
And it's leaving me crazed, emotions flare with no warning,
And I'm watching someone else move into my bed.

And it's leaving me tired and I'm warning.
Windows open freeze my hands on the ledge.
And it's leaving me sad that you just can�t see the morning.
And I'm watching each night fall now, upon edge.

I'm trying to find the right time to leave,
But I'll stare out the window for now.
You're sleeping there still so unaware.
I'm getting dressed without a sound.

And it's leaving me tired this morning.
Windows open freeze me out of bed.
And it's leaving me dazed, and I reflect on the warning,
As I'm watching someone else move into my bed.
Move into my head.
Move into my bed.


Ugh. Need some time to sort myself out.

Imsomniac stars and a little bit of confusion

The day is beautiful.

The sky isn't blue, but its filled with different shades of clouds. The songs that are playing aren't exactly happy, but they are not sad either. I think they give you a sense of nostalgia, even if there is nothing to feel nostalgic about. I'm listening to three songs from Antaheen. Who knew a movie could make you cry so much? The only thing that's in my head right now is: 'What is it about you that has commandeered by brain?' You have to admit, the movie was good, even excellent, but not perfect. I'm sure I have seen movies that dug deep inside me before. So what's different about this one?

The camera work is awesome, as usual with movies made in Kolkata, I assume. The songs have very sweet lyrics with serene imagery. Even though its morning and the sun is shining ever so brightly through the clouds, these lines are still appealing to me:

আমার ভিনদেশী তারা একা রাতেরই আকাশে,
তুমি বাজালে একতারা আমার চিলেকোঠার পাশে।
ঠিক সন্ধ্যা নামার মুখে,
তোমার নাম ধরে কেও ডাকে!
মুখ লুকিয়ে কার বুকে তোমার গল্প বল কাকে?
আমার রাত জাগা তারা তোমার অন্য পাড়ায় বাড়ি,
আমার ভয় পাওয়া চেহারা,আমি আদতে আনাড়ি!

In fact, most of the songs in the movie have imageries of night time. Maybe that's why they are so serene?

My mum called as soon as the movie finished. I was in the middle of a very emotional turmoil and I was crying like there is no tomorrow. So I was a tad bit irritated when she told me to stop watching movies and do all those chores she left me. Well of course I couldn't explain that this wasn't just any movie, its the movie that forced a lot of tears out of my gland, possibly in a way that would never happen again with any other movie. I know that she's worried. I don't know about what exactly. But I'm sure parents worry about their children unless they are perfect. And I am definitely very far away from perfect.

The thing is, the whole movie was alright. It only became special at the end. I won't mention what happens, just in case you are reading this and haven't watched it, but intend to watch it. I guess it was the anticipation. The fact that the realisation hit her just before the final moment. It sounds very cliched, but you have to see it to feel it. Then there was the regret that they were a little too late in the realisation. That's enough to drive anyone to depression!

I think I need to take some time off. Some time without any written thoughts, constant music that I'm hardly listening to and other people. Some time off junk food. Some time to reconnect. I keep talking without meaning a word. What's the point anything that doesn't have weight?

Things I need to do:
- Finish writing the song
- Finish LC HW + some other organisational stuff
- Get back to the pursuit of creating the new and improved me


আমার আকাশ দেখা ঘুড়ি,
কিছু মিথ্যে বাহাদুরি,
আমার চোখ বেধে দাও আলো,
দাও শান্ত শীতল পাটি,
তুমি মায়ের মতো ভালো,
আমি একলা পথে হাটি।

Tell me if you hear me falling

This Eid was both fun and frustrating.

It was fun because I wore sari every single day and dressed up to my heart's content. I also got the satisfaction of watching people eat my sticky date pudding. And the general vibe of Eid was always present - the feeling of excitement, happiness, love and perfection. We went out as a family every single time, as we always do. Bhayiun even took us through the IMO carwash, since we've never been through it as a family, and allowed us to enjoy the artificial heavy rain! We went to people's places and hung for quite a while, instead of the usual five minutes of Eid visits.

The frustration arose from the fact that we left the house at awkward times - every single time! We kept missing people who wanted to come over for a visit and kept on knocking on doors of people who weren't home. As a result, a lot of our time was spent driving around in the streets. It was a waste of driving around, since I didn't get to drive. And I was wearing a sari the whole time, and I hate moving around in saris! I just like sitting and taking photos, or maybe gracefully gliding from one end of the house to another.

I was listening to New Moon's soundtrack - Possibility by Lykke Li. Did they form the band just to sing that song? Anyway, its a nice song, the lyrics is not extremely well written, but the overall song carries a melancholy tone. I like this part:

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know.

It makes me nostalgic. I don't know why.

My ears are hurting from three days of earrings. I think its mainly from the huge ones I was wearing on the first day. I don't know if I can ever wear those again. Such a waste of money and beauty!

I hate feeling like I am not good enough for something or someone. And there's always certain people who make me feel that way, of course, they don't realise it! I guess that's why I like perfection when it is not my rival. This is definitely not a good sign, because it means I don't have a great attitude towards learning. When people welcome differences and competition, they open themselves up to challenges. I hate doing it, therefore I don't. I should really change my attitude, ASAP!

On a brighter note, the stars are twinkling tonight. They really do look like fireflies, stuck in one place. Apuni was looking at the stars with me, and she said, some stars are there one moment, and the next moment they aren't.

The best part of painting nails is that you get to scrape them off whenever and wherever you want.

p.s.: The sky is unusually clear tonight!